1. You made an 11 on a Par 3 hole? How the heck did that happen? I chipped in from the rough!
2. The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is income taxes.
3. A player asked his golf coach: “What is going wrong with my game?” The coach replied, “You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”
4. Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play baseball.
5. There are three ways to improve your golf game: Take lessons, practice constantly, or… start cheating!
6. If you golf on an election day, make sure to cast an absent-tee-ballot.
7. Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, sold by the dozen, and after a week you need to buy some more!
8. “Are you a scratch player?” asked one player.
“I sure am.” replied the other, “Every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where the heck it went.”
9. Why is golf called golf? Because all other four-letter-words were taken.
10. Do you know how the moon got craters? Three Words: Chuck Norris Golf
11. Golf is a lot like taxes…you go for the green and come out in the hole!
12. It takes a serious amount of balls to golf like I do.
13. If your opponent can’t remember if he shot a six or a seven on a hole, chances are he had an eight on it.
14. I shot one under at golf today: One under a tree, one under a bush, and one under the water.
15. Bad at golf? Join the club.
16. I’m not really that bad at putting, I just can’t catch a break!
17. The only two good balls I it today was when I accidentally stood on a rake.
18. Man, that dwarf is good at putting and chipping. His short game is at a different level!
19. The man who takes up golf to get his mind off work will soon take up work to get his mind off golf.
20. Golf was once a rich man’s sport but now it has millions of poor players!
21. I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!
22. Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles!
23. The secret of playing good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often!
24. I’m so bad at golf that I have to go get my ball retriever regripped more often than my clubs.
25. The higher a golfer’s handicap, the higher the chance of him telling you what you’re doing wrong!
26. The best person to play golf with is someone who always plays a little bit worse than you do.
27. Golf is the only game where the ball lies poorly and the golfers lie well.
28. In golf, the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you!
29. There’s no game like golf. You go out with three friends, play 18 holes, then come back with three enemies!
30. Golf: a 5-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
31. Golf is harder than baseball because in golf you have to play your foul balls.
32. I wish I could play my normal game…Just once!
33. The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul-it-again.”
34. I play in the low 80’s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
35. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive.
36. The most reliable wood in most golfer’s bags is the pencil.
37. Golf is a game invented by God to punish people who retire early.
38. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers… They shoot a “six”, yell “fore” and write “five”.
39. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
40. Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice
41. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
42. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
43. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice … Once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
44. In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
45. “You’re late on the tee, John.” “Yes, well, it being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.” “Okay, but why are you so late?” “I had to toss it 15 times!”
46. A golfer standing at a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner: “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”
47.Hear the one about the bad-tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade R7 clubs? After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, “These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 40-yards further than my old ones!”
48. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
49. Fairway: An unfamiliar tract of closely mowed grass running from the tee to the green. Your ball is usually found immediately to the left or right of it
50. If you do find that you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.
51. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, rarely make the perfect shot.
52. A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither of whom can putt very well.
53. Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
54. If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme putt”, you might want to reconsider this game.
55. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
56. Oxymoron: An easy par-3
57. Mulligan: Invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more 20-yard grounder.
58. The wife complaining: “You spend far too much time concentrating on golf! Do you even remember the day we got engaged?”
Husband: “Sure I do. It was the same day I shot even par.”
59. Why does the golf pro tell you to keep your head down during lessons?
So you can’t see him laughing.
60. What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?
Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because not even God can hit a 1-iron.