1. Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.
“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”
“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”
2. MacDermott and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day, thawing their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing rain beat against the windows. The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskies.
“Finally, MacDermott spoke, “That was quite a round of golf.
“Aye,” MacDuff replied. “Same time next Saturday?” “Aye,” said MacDuff, “weather permitting.”
3. A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.
When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
4. A golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset and sought out the farmer.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
5. Noting that her husband looked more haggard and disgruntled than usual after his weekly golf game, his wife asked what was wrong.
He answered, “Well, on the 4th hole, Harry had a heart attack and died. It was terrible! The entire rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!”
6. Jesus and Moses are playing golf in Heaven when they come to the par-3 17th hole, a long carry over water to an island green. Moses tees off with a 3-wood and hits the green. Jesus takes out his 5-iron and says, “I’m going to hit a 5-iron because Arnold Palmer would hit a 5-iron from here.”
Jesus tees it up and hits a lofted iron shot that finishes 25 yards short of the green and in the water. Jesus turns to Moses and says, “How about parting the water so I can play my ball where it lies?” Moses says, “No way. You foolishly chose the wrong club because of your Arnold Palmer fantasy and I’m not going to be a party to it!” Jesus shrugs and starts walking on the water to where his ball went in. Just then, a foursome approaching the tee box sees Jesus walking on the water. One of them asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?” Moses turns and says, “No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”
7. A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?”
The man replied, “Fabulous, thank you.” “You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?” Said the man: “Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!”
8. After slicing his tee shot into the woods, a golfer heads off in search of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree. After considering his position — and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke — he decides to hook the ball around the tree. He swings, the ball hits the tree, ricochets back at him, and instantly kills him.
When he opens his eyes, he sees the Pearly Gates and St. Peter standing before him. “Am I dead?” he asks. “Yes, my son,” replies St. Peter, who looks the man over and notices his clubs. “I see you’re a golfer,” St. Peter says. “Are you any good?” “Hey, I got here in two, didn’t I?”
9. A friend of Henry’s dies suddenly. A week later, he comes back to tell his friend how great Heaven is.
“Henry,” he says, “you won’t believe it, but there is golf in Heaven.” “That is wonderful!” Henry replies. “Don’t be so thrilled,” his friend tells him. “You have a tee-off time scheduled for Saturday.”
10. The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise golfers to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear. They say that it’s also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity on the courses. They recommend that golfers be educated so that they can recognize the difference between a Black bear and Grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain remains of nuts, berries, and possibly squirrel, rabbit, or gopher fur. Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses, and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray.
11. A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question…
“Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor. “P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied. “P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it, while P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.”
12. Sean had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” said he in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.” “I guess not,” said Sean, “what the hell do they have to bitch about?”
13. Husband and wife were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle – she sliced the second shot into the trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a foot from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it ten feet beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife, he said, “We’ll have to do better. That was a bogey five.” “Don’t blame me,” she snapped, “I only took two of them.”
14. A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through several appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. “There,” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday.” “Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”
15. I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand-new sleeve of balls, teed one up, and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand-new sleeve of balls. “Why don’t you hit an old ball?” I asked. He responded, “I’ve never had an old ball.”
16. Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3.
After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin, and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin. A fan in the crowd said “Mr. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?” Mr. Palmer replied, “Do you own a 3 iron?” The fan said, “Yes, sir I do.” “How far do you hit it?” said Palmer. About 160 yards was his reply. Palmer calmly said, “What the hell do you want it to back up for?”
17. Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick says to Lou, “Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.”
Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by one stroke but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball; you look over there,” he says to Nick. After five minutes, neither has had any luck. Since a lost ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly. Nick looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?” “What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!” “And a liar, too!” Nick says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”
18. An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in. The man asks, “St. Peter, where is the golf course?”
“I’m terribly sorry,” replies St. Peter, “but that’s one thing we don’t have here.” The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer’s rejection of heaven. “This way, sir,” says the devil, “the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia.” The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he’d rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package. “So,” he says to the devil, “why don’t you go get me some clubs and balls and I’ll have the game of my after-life.” “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have any.” “What?” says the man. “No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?” “No, sir,” says the devil fiendishly, “that’s the hell of it.”
19. One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Don, come here. I’ve got some real trouble down here.” Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter, John? Is everything okay?” John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can’t get out of here with a seven.”
20. After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”
The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”
21. John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. Neither man trusted the other’s arithmetic. One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob, “What’d you have?”
Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. “Six!” he said and then hastily corrected himself – ” No, no…. a five.” Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud “Eight!” “Eight?” Bob said, “I couldn’t have had eight.” John said, “Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven.” “Then why did you mark down eight?” asked Bob. John told him, “One stroke penalty, for improving your lie.”
22. A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard “Fore!” and a ball slammed into his back. Soon, the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.
“Thank goodness, Father!” he exclaimed. “I’ve been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I’ve hit my first holy one!”
23. Richard Nixon was never much of a golfer. He played a little when he was vice president mostly because Eisenhower was so passionate about the game. Once during his own presidency while at Camp David, he ran into Henry Kissinger. ” I scored 126,” he said “That’s very good, you’re golf is certainly improving,” said Kissinger. “I was bowling, Henry,” Nixon replied.
24. As Mac and Jimmy were playing their home course. Mac putted out and walked back to the cart. As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants. He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.
The scene of a man kneeling next to his playing partner’s bare rear end was too much for the group playing behind the twosome. The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question: “What was the bet?”
25. Father O’Malley was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter “Hoover!” under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O’Malley’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! “Praise be to God!” He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. “HOOVER!!!!” By this time, his opponent couldn’t withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said “Hoover.” The Father replied, “It’s the biggest… dam I know.”
26. An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course and two aliens watched a solitary golfer in amazement. The golfer duffed his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough onto the fairway, sliced the next shot into the bushes, and then took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.
Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of weird game and they continued to observe the golfer. The golfer then skulled a shot into a bunker by the green. He then took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole. At this point, the other alien told his partner, “Wow, now he is in serious trouble!”
27. Wife: “Babe, if I die, will you marry again?”
Husband: “Of course not.”
Wife: “I think you would.”
Husband: “Fine, I probably will.”
Wife: “Will you let her sleep in our bed?”
Husband: “Yeah, probably, I guess.”
Wife: “Would you even let her use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No way, she is left-handed.”